Facebook: This is what it really is

Facebook was created by Superman. After accidentally landing on earth and being humiliated by having to wear ridiculously tight undergarments and being mistaken for a bird or plane “I even wore a bright red cape so these stupid humans can distinguish”, Superman swore revenge. Initially he planned to destroy earth but the United States government found out that he’s an illegal immigrant, and so had him deported back to Krypton. Once at Krypton he decided to take his revenge at the semi intelligent species of humans. He launched a plan that he would find a means to study the humans and then ultimately annihilate them. He sent one of the filing clerks from his office at krypton, to earth. He decided to send Mark Zuckerberg to Harvard figuring that this is the place where the most intelligent of humans are present.

Mark‘s job was to create a platform in which these young and brilliant minds would pool their thoughts actions and way of thinking. Thus Facebook was created.  That way extensive Data would be gathered about human and then 1 fool proof way would be carried out in which humans will eventually cause their own downfall. Many conceptual plans were thought of and carried out in small scale. Global Warming, Nuclear experiments, George W. Bush, Tsunami, lady Gaga, and Justin Bieber are just names of some of these plans. Soon it appeared that humans are so stupid and dumb that they would enjoy such things. Superman then decided that he needs to study the data more carefully. Mark Zuckerberg got a promotion his new job description was pressing the refresh button and report the number of users.

In the meantime Mark was gaining popularity within humans at Harvard. Many young females were now busy in trying to seduce Mark. They did not know however that he had yet not hit puberty which is evident from his lack of facial hair. One night however he managed to find a home made recipe for testosterone from “Zubaida Appa’s Tootkay.” He injected himself with it right before going to a frat party. As the party progressed surrounded by appealing company he fell victim to man’s greatest weakness. Soon Mark was thinking from his Anatomical ping pongs. This just proved to show that alcohol can even ruin inter galactic plans. Superman was worried but also bought shares in Jack Daniels and other wineries.

When mark woke up next morning next to Justin Timberlake (who apparently made Napster), he made a decision. He would not let superman destroy earth his exact words were “just because Elton john complimented his Kryptonian scrotrum doesn’t mean he has to destroy the entire planet”. Along with Timberlake, Mark devised a plan to make facebook absolutely worthless and useless for Superman. He decided to include all the most stupid people on earth in facebook he expanded it to all continents. Soon facebook was flooded with “I got my nails done” “I love justin beiber” “I’m wearing the shortest skirt I can find for tonight’s party” “updating my status while showering”. Mark ensured that all that Superman would be getting would be pointless information of complete idiots who deem it necessary to post the type of stool they excrete.

Mark devised a clever plan to keep Superman’s interest from waning. He decided to constantly change facebook and giving people new ways to discuss Justin beiber’s latest hairstyle or the insurmountable length of Kim Kardashians relationships’. Now Kim holds great interest for superman on a personal level. Superman finds that her ability to walk around with two planets strapped to her lower abdomen is truly astonishing. This “showing” of such “strength” has led superman to suspect that Kim might be his long lost sister.

So not only has Mark been acting as earths savior…his creation has led to a collective increase in the intelligence of this earth. A prime example is the deep, thought-provoking debates on the social aspects of the society in which the socials of the society socialize. Who would not want to know what their best friend’s ex-wife’s third cousin twice removed had for lunch that made him vomit copious amounts of last nights dinner? Such knowledge is veritable gold.The sheer effort put in the description of last nights excrement is commendable. It is knowledge that is truly vital for Marks grand plan….to drive superman to suicide. 

Some time back..we sent one of our investigators to delve into the deep world of facebook…that investigator is now known as the entity Paris Hilton. So… the sheer damage that facebook can inflict is amazing. If it can transform a fully grown man into Paris Hilton…a vaguely human-shaped organism with the intelligence traits of expired mayonnaise…it is a force to be reckoned with….what remains to be seen is whether Superman can weather this storm..or perish to become something worse than Paris Hilton…namely another Paris Hilton..two Paris Hiltons will result in a time space continuum rift..bringing an end to all that we know…perhaps a better outcome than a universe with two Paris Hiltons.

Now that Mark Zuckerberg has become so rich by making people go virtual farming he has decided to permanently stay on earth and live the life that he has always been dreaming of which has been inspired by American pie. We were able to find out that his personal idol is Hugh Hefner.

This article has been read and approved by the Inter Galactic Literary Society and any piece of crap that contradicts this is false and misleading. YOU ARE PIGS BEING FARMED AT FACEBOOK ALL OF YOU…….AAAAAAAAAAAAACHHHHHUUUUUUUU. WHAT DA!!!! This bogey has a weird color man gotta post a photo of this on facebook. Ooooo eemmmmmm geeeeeeeeeee

Written by Mujeeb and Sarmed

Twilight This is what it really is

Written by Me and Syed Abdul Mujeeb (his Blog)

Twilight is a rare case study of interaction between a psychotic teenager and a pedophilic predator. It gave psychiatrists all over the world a chance to study behavior in humans who suffer from such illnesses

The teenage subject in the study has been named “Bella”. Typical of evidence from previous studies, Bella is a girl with low self esteem.

The pedophilic predator has been named “Edward.” Being a pedophile is quite old, and his skin no longer glows from young blood.

The case study shows us how these two subjects meet and then how there different mental illness clash with each other. How the psychosis of Bella combined with the urges of Edward result in a bizarre series of events, both of which are seen differently by each subject.

After meeting Edward, Bella’s hallucinations start, having grown up on Disney cartoons and story books, she immediately sees Edward not as the old wrinkled blue guy that he is but instead views him as a waxed, sparkly, 100 year old vampire. She is immediately transferred into a magical world, in the same manner that happened with jasmine in Aladdin or what happened with Alice when she went down the rabbit hole. Having the complete freedom to create her own world she envisions one in which she is the absolute centre of a cosmos of dimensions and mythical creatures. Soon not only Edward but a whole tribe of vampires are there to protect her and are more than willing to fight there own species. Such is her charm and beauty in the world that she has created for herself. Psychiatrists note that Bella had drastically changed the characteristics of vampires. Instead of being awesome blood sucking night crawlers, they are now attractive sparkly ageless beauties. This clearly shows the influence that Disney books and fairy tales have had on the subject’s subconscious mind.

From Edwards point of view the whole thing is seen as an ideal opportunity. He is able to find a young girl who finds him attractive, at first he is confused as to why she keeps calling him a vampire, but soon realizes that Bella’s mind is working in weird ways and decides to play along. He becomes protective of her once even shouting at a man who was staring at her; he notes that it apparently registered as a duel in Bella’s mind.

It is common knowledge that if psychosis is encouraged then it grows and grows. The case study “twilight” shows similar aspects. As the pedophile Edward plays along with Bella’s fantasies, they grow. They become more complicated and she starts imagining more characters and people, and bring them to life in her world. At the same time she is also conscious of Edwards view of everything. She meets Jacob, but her mind immediately notes that Edward would probably not like it. Thus in her highly animated mind Jacob is viewed as a beast. Yet having also seen “beauty and the Beast” in her youth she immediately feels a connection.

However our pedophilic subject grows restless at the continued game of Bella. When Bella meets a new friend, he immediately plants him as a grotesque person.

Soon however Bella moves ahead with the story and becomes pregnant, over here she founds out that know Disney movie can help her and her, juvenile mind makes it like a nightmare and she feels as if a beast is growing inside her. This part is of most interest to psychiatrists as it tells how the hallucinations adapt when moved into unfamiliar territory.

I was able to gather opinions of some of the most influential and knowledgeable psychoanalysts in the world. This is what they had to say

Beverly Vincent is an eminent Scholar in the field of psychosis. She currently works at the Espeficial Tupidos Medical research center in Valleys of New Zealand

Psychoanalysis of Twilight

Bella has been portrayed as someone who comes from a broken family; children hailing from broken homes usually tend to fantasize about things they would rather change in their very real very troubled lives. When she meets Edward she finds him to be the epitome of everything she ever wanted in her sad, lamentable existence. She builds him up to be something he is not, someone who would be called a monster or yes a pedophile by normal persons. In reality she is neglected and therefore the whole scenario of Edward and Jacob fighting over her is all in her head. Edward sees her as someone who would never truly face or grasp the depth of his frightful reality so he plays along and feeds her illness, as she needs someone to make her feel wanted and he needs someone who would make him feel beautiful.

To prove that the character of Edward Cullen is fake and part of an illusion created by a deranged adolescence who has been unable to cope up with her coming of age. Our investigator Syed Abdul Mujeeb ventured to the castle of Dracula to ask his opinion on whether Edward qualifies as a Vampire. This is what he had to say about it.

UNFATHOMABLE…THE HORROR !!!...ITS ENOUGH TO BRING A GROWN MAN TO TEARS. What has become of my noble kind?...sparkles???..GLITTER??..i beseech you…OPEN YOUR EYES…see us noble vampires for what we truly are. We do not GLITTER. We do not SHINE in that which burns our very skin ( for those of you ingrates too slow in your brain development to notice, im talking about sunlight ). Where is the love of a humans blood?..where is it? This…this EDWARD CULLEN..who claims to be a vampire….heed my word you lot. The man is an impostor. Can you not see???
Alas…I have special plans for this man…and for the followers of this heathen… I will show you what a vampire REALLY is like…
When I suck your life out of you…you will know…what it feels to be “LOVED” by a vampire….hhehehehehheheahhahahHhahahahaHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAaaa…..
I have such noble heritage..and this man has destroyed it all…. Ummm…waaaiittt…wait waiitttttt a minuuuteeeeee….hehehhe…
All you young womenfolk…you like Edward yessss??..why don’t you come to my castle in noble Castlevania… I have many servants here who are even more appealing than this Edward..yesss …come hither my dears…I shall take GOOD “care” of you hehehehe….come come….while I prepare for you…a LIFECHANGING experience….yessssssss….




This review has been read and approved by well known writers including Stefan Browski, Syed Abdul Mujeeb, Katarina Von Tonne. and Doctors, Hans Emmelreich, Mikhail Storsvakovsky , Juliana Van Fimmelsworth who are experts in their fields. Any review of Twilight that is in contradiction to this one is false and misleading and may be a mass propaganda by world forces to enslave humans.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore

Just when I thought that the world could not get any weirder, I came to hear about a certain bill that the Congress of America is in the process of implementing. Recently Obama has been advocating that it is imperative that we combat obesity and the best way to that is by reforming the school lunch program. He argued that potatoes and other fattening foods should be reduced and more healthy nutrients be included. Well the Congress did just that. Instead of changing the menu they simply redefined it. Among the many things the most absurd is “the tomato sauce on a pizza is sufficient vegetable consumption for students.” They have effectively classified pizza as a vegetable.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/16/us/politics/congress-blocks-new-rules-on-school-lunches.html

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/united-states/pizza-reclaims-vegetable-status-in-congressional-revision-146039.html

Now I have had pizza many times, I love it. But not once has it ever crossed my mind that it can ever in any way whatsoever be classified as a vegetable.

In the above picture just tell me how can a legal government document which is supposed to fight childhood obesity ever consider that a pizza can actually be supplemented as a vegetable? Okay it has tomatoes in it. Also it has olives, onions, and everything, but with the amount of cheese, and sugar that it contains it can’t help anyone combat obesity.

So why did Congress take such a drastic step? Answers is simple: the School lunch Program has an annual cost 10 billion dollars. Major corporations such as ConAgra and Del Monte and other giants in the frozen foods industry stand so much too lose if the program is revised to include healthy food options.

“Pizza should be served with a vegetable, not count as one,” said CSPI Nutrition Policy Director Margo Wootan in a statement. “It’s a shame that Congress seems more interested in protecting industry than protecting children’s health.”

The New York Times reported that “The companies called the Congressional response reasonable, adding that the Agriculture Department went too far in trying to improve nutrition in school lunches.” (yeah man you are trying too hard to improve health)

BY THE WAY, during all the discussion in congress didn’t it occur even once to all those experiences congress men that tomato is actually a fruit.?

This additional paragraph was added by my friend at work mujeeb

Going by this logically amazing logic…I have come up several logical conclusions and logical lifestyle changes. From this day forth, my daily glass of milk shall be replaced by a freshly chopped cow’s udder, for the milk content therein is pretty damn high methinks. Plastic bottles are made of oil. Petrol comes from oil. Im going to fill up my Honda’s petrol tank with all my Coca Cola bottles. I have, through the sheer brilliant logic of the American Congress, singlehandedly solved the problem of rising fuel prices. Petrol prices got you down? Just chuck a few of your baby’s plastic bibs in the tank..HALLELUJA problem solved !!  And since money is made from cotton we can by the use of this amazing logic use our cloths as currency. You can thank me later…its only logical.

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Actuary

This is an article i wrote for the Pakistan Society of Actuaries.

It may seem like the name of an unknown heavy metal band, however it’s something quite different. Actuaries are a very elite group of professionals who use mathematics and statistics and apply them in business.

There are a lot of students with exceptional mathematical skills who are not interested in the conventional fields such as engineering. These people usually end up doing Chartered Accountancy or Masters in Finance. Though credible options these do not always suit them. Actuarial science on the other hand is one field that they might find challenging and satisfying.

With a core of mathematics and statistics, actuaries use mathematical and economical theories to solve complicated business problems. Traditionally actuaries are employed by life insurance companies in which they analyze data and use models to determine premium rates and profit margins. Contrary to common perception they are not involved in selling policies or handling claims. One can say that they create policies by carefully modeling data to ensure profits to both parties. The work of an actuary is not limited to the insurance sector alone. Being experts in enterprise risk management and specialists in finance and investment, combined with a strong foundation in financial mathematics, actuaries can shine in any sector ranging from business consultants to banking to financial advisors, to name a few.

How to become an actuary?

It kind of follows the same pattern as CA or ACCA. One can enter this field right after A-levels or after graduation. There are two renowned boards the first is the British board known commonly as the Institute of Actuaries (http://www.actuaries.org.uk). The other is the U.S.A board called Society of Actuaries(http://www.soa.org/). Both are globally recognized. Each has a set of exams that one must pass or obtain exemptions for in order to qualify as an actuary. Exemptions for the Institute of Actuaries exams can be obtained if a candidate has a degree from a recongnized institute.. The overall syllabus is basically the same, the only difference is the number of papers and the format. Visit their respective websites for information.

The whole course can be broken down into two broad subheadings: For the Intitute these are Core and Specialization, for SoA these are Associateship and Fellowship . Subjects in Core/ Associateship include: financial maths, statistics, probability, economics and communication skills. Fields for Specialization/Fellowship include: general insurance, life insurance, finance and investments, enterprise risk management, pension, and health and care.

Actuary was rated as the #1 job in America last year, considering salary, stress, advancement prospects and job satisfaction.

Lets look at the local scene. Here KU and CBM have courses in actuarial sciences but these don’t provide any exemptions. Many life insurance companies and actuarial firms employ students after A levels as ‘actuarial trainees’. They give you a salary, training, study material and hep students in any way with their exams. State life, NJI life, EFU life, Akhter and Hasan, Sidat Hyder and Morshed associates are companies and firms that have these trainee programs. You can contact their HR departments for more details.

Actuary is a rare profession even more so in Pakistan. Here the total number of fully qualified Actuaries is under 20! Anyone can join the field but before taking a decision do your own researches on it even meet people if you get a chance. Be absolutely sure about it before taking an initiative. The exams are tough and trainee programs are demanding so you don’t just have to be brilliant but also hardworking. Also if you’re applying straight after you’re A-levels you will probably be missing out on university life so make sure you have thought about it seriously.

Fashionable Politics

Well it seems as if the educated youth of Pakistan have finally decided to take matters in their own hands. The recent demonstration in Lahore showed just how desperate we are for change. While this may seem that ignorance is slowly being eradicated, the reality may be slightly different. Are the winds of change blowing or is it that people have just realized that political affiliation can be used as a fashion statement.

Let me just ask the readers few questions: Do you support Imran Khan and think that he would make a good leader?

Do you know what Imran khan’s Position on Iran?

Do you know how Imran khan proposes to solve the water crisis?

While many of the readers might have given a very enthusiastic yes to the first question, I’m ready to bet that the other two questions would have been met with vague suggestions or no answer at all.

This sort of rallying behind a political leader is very common in all parts of the world. Most people are simply “Politically Charmed” by candidates, which is very effective as most people don’t really follow news or are aware of the issues which is quite sad as these people form a majority and more than often make a person or party win. I will take the most famous example in history which is of Che Guevara. He has become a worldwide symbol of rebellion but very few people know that he was a doctor and supported Marxism (which the world now completely denounces). Another good example is the election of Barack Obama, did anyone know he would cut the health budget?

So is Imran Khan the Che Guevara of Pakistan? Let us examine why most people like him. Or why he’s appealing to the youth. Firstly he is very good with words. His arguments are short crisp and mostly make sense. Compare this with other politicians who talk about fruits or say “degree tou degree hoti hai chahe jaali ho ya asli’.

Secondly his personality is very refined. He looks and behaves like an educated person as opposed to politicians who scratch themselves on TV shows, fight in the assembly hall, or sing and dance when giving a speech on TV.

Also, and this is probably what appeals most to people, he is a rebel. He is a renegade on the loose. And this is what we love about him. It doesn’t care what hes saying or how feasible it is or how did he logically come to that conclusion. What matters is that he’s disagreeing with the government.

So to conclude I would just like to say that while it’s good that people are realizing their potential power to bring change. Its good to see that the urban youth is finally becoming active, it should not be done blindly, no matter if its Imran Khan, Nelson Mandela or Martin Luther King. Always be aware and informed.

White Race

Recently I was just watching TV when I stumbled across the most bizarre string of advertisement that made me realize just how completely retarded we are as a society and how companies find it very easy to exploit that. Just to clarify here I’m not talking about only Pakistan over here but my focus would be the subcontinent in general.

The string of ads that I saw were all relating to beauty products particularly skin whitening products. Now every one knows that the girls over here are totally obsessed with skin whitening (while the whites are obsessed with tanning). However recently this obsession is starting to become ludicrous to the point of becoming pathetic.

The first ad that I saw was of a cream that would give you a fairer glow in just two weeks. It depicted a pretty girl and how in just two weeks she turned in a character from “the house of wax”(and we all know how crappy that movie was). Interestingly most of these creams contain Hydroquinone or Mercury which can result in premature aging. Well the human canvas now has anti aging for that

Next I saw an ad in which the girl in question wanted fast results. So the manufactures decided to add more bleach and behold ‘get fairer skin in just seven days’. And surely the girl was now casper and the cream indirectly gave her a nose job as well.

Well there is another product that says that you can get fairer skin instantly which last for 12 hours. Well so does the white polish I used to apply on my tennis shoes in school.

Now that we have thoroughly mutilated the human face why not do it to the rest of the body! What a wonderful idea. Just take a bottle of body whitening lotion (which looks like the accumulated spit of 12 people) and cover yourself with it then wear a full sleeves shirt and burqa and you’re good to go. The consumers fail to notice that the lady in the ad is wearing a sleeveless and back less dress which causes her skin to darken due to exposure to sunlight. Yeah I fail to see how that caught on especially when we hardly venture in direct sunlight when the sun is that bright.

 Now this is the part that makes me the saddest. Fairness for men. I mean c’mon man it sounds like an oxymoron. I mean have we men completely lost all testosterone. John Abraham didn’t get that look by putting cream on; he got it by lifting weights. Next thing you know we have “body whitening lotion for men” and then “silk boxers” with a slogan “unleash the woman in you.” Call me a sexist. But this is one sexist who will not meet his wife in a beauty parlor. ‘Yeah she was sitting there having her nails done and I had just gotten my face massaged with apricot cream, and then our eyes met.’

Well top of the list is something which people don’t give a hoot about but you have to make it white. Why? Because now you can with ‘deodorant for fairer underarms’ seriously? I think I speak for all guys here when I say that’s probably the last place someone will look for beauty. And honestly it looks like how your whole face would be when you are 40.

In other news some paint manufactures have expressed their desire to enter new markets the cosmetic industry for example.

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The Void

The void

We think. This explosion of knowledge is a result of our habit of thinking. It is the power of our thought that has brought us from the dingy caves of the dark ages to the urban jungle of now. How powerful is thought? What is the magnitude of this irrational element in our being? These are unanswered questions. Scientists define thought as a reaction, a reaction to various stimuli. But science also defines reaction as a force. Thus if we look at thought as a force it seems much more logical. To bring bout change in anything we need force.

However this brings us back to our original question: what is the magnitude of this force. How much force was needed to invent the telephone? To bring about the French revolution? To create an economic system? We can not know, we never will.

Its ironic how the one thing that differentiates and makes us superior from other beings is the one thing that we least understand. The one thing that has brought about all the change in the world has eluded us through time.

Mathematicians have tried reducing thought to algebraic equations. The pioneer of which was George Boole who wrote ‘The Laws of Thought’(1854) which is the bases of all computer technology in our modern world. Boolean algebra created a system in which thought are grouped according to some common feature e.g. men. Women, red, pen. He then went one to define the operations of multiplication and addition and zero. This created a hypothesis which experienced some success. simple thoughts and decisions could be made by doing the algebra that Boole  proposed (computer intelligence is based on this algebra). However the complexity of the human mind soon proved to be too much.

Philosophers define thought in the same vague statements that just further entangle the mystery of it. The pointless theories they have never brought us nearer to understanding thought. The power of thought can never be known. It is an unknown that we may never realize. Some philosophers take a religious point of on this. Most religions define God as indefinable. Let us examine thought in the same way. God cannot be felt by any of the senses of sight, smell, sound, touch, or taste. God can not be personified or shaped to anything that the human mind can understand or perceive yet the existence of God is absolute. God does not occupy space or time. Thought can not be felt by any of the senses and it can not be perceived and does not occupy space or time. Yet if humans are the only one to have the power of thought then how did the world exist before them?  Is thought something that isn’t created within us but is ever present around us? If we think of thought as something that is ever present and around us, then it can be said that thought is God? But even then we are no nearer to understanding it.

What can thought do? When does it act? There are two answers to this. 1^st we shall define thought as a reaction, a force that is built within us. If this definition is to be considered then thought can only be effective in the present. The present is ever changing from one moment to the other leaving behind an unchangeable past and ahead an unknown future. Thus the power of thought is effective only in the ever changing present. 2^nd definition implies that thought like God is ever present and all around us yet unrealized. If this definition is taken into account then the power of thought can act at anytime past future or present. This can be justified from the fact that a single thought can bring about change in the unknown future.

The mystery of thought, its dimensions, powers, and effectiveness is yet to be discovered. We progress through it, are dependant on in, it is responsible for everything around us yet we do not know what it is

Sarmed